Pippa Rea

Pippa's Journey with a Brain Tumour

Forgive Me If….

on June 28, 2015

Three months after Pippa has passed and I am still numb.  Please forgive me if I:

don’t speak

don’t get out of the car to watch the footy

don’t sympathise if your child has a cold or a cough over winter

don’t look like I’m following the conversation (I’m not)

don’t socialise

don’t look you in the eye

don’t say I’m sorry that your mother, father, grandparent, uncle, aunt, friend…has passed away at the age of 50, 60,70, 80, 90…  I’m sorry for you but I simply cannot say the words because I am just so raw for Pippa, James, Patrick and myself.  She was only eleven years old!  It’s so unfair!

I still go to tell Pippa things.  I still go to show her a funny photo or a photo of a baby.  I still want to tell her something I have seen or heard or done.  I can’t though and I never remember that; I always have to remind myself that I just can’t anymore.  My little shadow is no longer there.  I go into Pippa’s room every night and every morning opening and closing the blinds and turning lamps on and off.  She would like that I am doing that.

A friend has given me two quotes recently.  They very aptly put into words these past three months:

She’s in the sun, the wind, the rain,

she’s in the air you breathe with every breath you take.

she sings a song of hope and cheer, there’s no more pain, no more fear.

You’ll see her in the clouds above, hear her whisper words of love,

you’ll be together before too long, until then listen for her song.

Pippa’s songs are everywhere.  I especially love it when people tell me about moments when songs that they hear remind them of Pippa.

In her own words it is seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months…

Pippa, there is not a month, week, day, hour, minute or second that I don’t think of you.

Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.

I am managing to breathe, but most days at some point I have to manage my breathing.  

Forgive me, but it is so heartbreakingly unfair and I am so terribly heartbroken.

23 responses to “Forgive Me If….

  1. Diane says:

    What does one say, but it’s not fair. My thought were of you all last week as I walked through the gardens and those words of your friend are so true. She is everywhere. God bless

  2. Linda Lippens says:

    My heart goes out to you – I feel your sadness and hope that with Pippa’s help you can slowly take steps to recover from this terrible ordeal

  3. Jill says:

    Virginia, it’s good that you expressed how you feel. Your darling Pippa’s passing must of course leave you all so totally heartbroken. You must be kind to yourself now and just deal with this in your own way and whatever you feel must be exactly right for you. Do not even bother with what others expect of you. Just do what’s right or best for you and your wonderful sons. My sincere thoughts are with you all. Jill

  4. Jaime says:

    My daughter is in grade one at pippa’s school and we where driving in the car yesterday and she said mum, this is Pippa’s favourite song! I love this song ! She didn’t know pippa very well but pippa has left such a great impact in the short time she was here. Such an amazing beautiful girl!! I just wanted you to know that she is thought about!! It’s definitely not fair!!

  5. Meredith Shaw says:

    There’s nothing to forgive Virginia, you are an incredible human, this and everything you think and feel is “human”. xxxx

  6. Flynn says:

    Virginia I agree with you it’s really hard work missing Pippa, I miss seeing her beautiful smile soo much, Pippa was so awesome.

  7. Catherine says:

    Oh Virginia my darling,You are doing just perfect! My heart breaks for you, James and Patrick, nothing or no one will ever fill that void of your loved little Pippa… She was insanly perfect.
    So unfair so so unfair.
    We listen and find Pippa’s songs everywhere , everyday. Pippa has been very kind to Lottie by putting extra pink in the rainbows lately ” look what Pippa done for me, extra pink , thank you Pippa” she yells to the sky.

  8. Carolyn says:

    Dear Virginia, there aren’t any words to make any of this unfairness better but this might make you smile just a tiny bit – when I read you like hearing about these things I thought I better share!

    In the middle of C’s birthday party last week ‘Shake it off’ starts blasting at the 10 pin bowl, he stopped in his tracks, left the mates, ran to me and we both started dancing knowing exactly what the other was thinking and who we were really dancing for. That song is simply known as Pip’s song in our house and who knows what all the parents and other kids thought – it just didn’t matter to us, the dancing did however.

    Every night, I read the Magic Faraway tree or one of the other in the series to kids in bed, Pip’s exquisite, beaming face is on the bookmark, resting right there between the pages of Moonface, Silkie, Joe, Beth and Frannie’s antics as well as Old Saucepan who C thinks is the funniest character ever conceived. Pip’s idea of heaven has become C’s – I feel sure.

    So just as you open the curtains and turn on the lamps, obviously in a much smaller way, we too live with Pip as a very real and valued part of our day to day lives. We are grateful for all that she gave and inadvertently taught us in such a short time.

    Will try and get to you and the boys soon for some Y-hugs.

    Sending much love.

  9. Cathy Stonier says:

    Dear Virginia, I met all of you at Lizzie’s & had the privilege of giving Pippa a big kiss as I won the most enormous bottle of Moët. I treasure the memory as I knew that time was precious for all of you with Pippa. Big hugs to you. Hope our paths meet again. All my love to you & the boys. Cathy xx

  10. Janet Webster says:

    My heart bleeds for you. I doubt you remember me but I was one of Alexander and Darcy’s kinder teachers and we met briefly. Prayers to you all.

  11. jo says:

    I’m so very sorry for your terrible pain and heartbreak. I wish there were adequate words. Just know that Pippa will always be remembered, she touched so many hearts. I wish she was here with you still, in your arms where she is meant to be. Never ever apologise for you feelings, you are entitled to every one of them, you are living the hardest thing any parent can. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxc

  12. boothkids says:

    Dear Virginia, it is unfair… so terribly unfair. We think of you and the boys and Pippa such a lot. Her beautiful photo reminds us of hanging out in the spa and going on all those crazy, fun water slides in Turkey – such precious memories of Pippa. Love to you all, Nicki xxxxx

  13. Joy mitchell says:

    It’s so unfair! There are no words. Pippa is in our hearts every day and every minute as we try to continue just doing what we do! So many songs that remind me of Pippa! Thoughts with you Virginia James and Patrick all the time. Joy xxoo

  14. Sam Jackson-Philbin says:

    Sending so much love and hugs to you xxx

  15. 💙Anna💙 says:

    My heart aches for you and the boys and I send out my love to you all. I miss Pippa sososo much and I miss her beautiful smile as she was truly amazing. I will always love Pippa and se will remain in my heart forever. xx Love Anna

  16. Hello Virginia

    It has been 14 and a half months since we lost Claire to a brain tumour. I feel your pain esquisitely. I am so sorry for your loss. 14 and a half months…one day…100 years…it’s all the same, I fear. How can a parent come to terms with the death of a child? Your daughter was like ours: beautiful, undoubtebly inside and out.

    This stuff doesn’t happen to ratbags. Only the good die young.

    If there is a heaven, then Pippa and Claire are playing together, watching out for kids who might otherwise be bullied.

    I am so sorry that we both lost beautiful girls to an ugly disease.

    Claire was nine. We miss her so badly.


  17. Pam says:

    Dear Viginia, I can only imagine how you must feel constantly grieving for your darling Pippa. There is no need for you to apologise, Your heart must be aching for her every minute. We can only keep you all in our thoughts and prayers, Pippa has surely become part of the fabric of the lives of all who were touched by her beautiful smile and fun loving personality. So much unfairness in all of your suffering. Our love and hugs for you and your beautiful boys. Pam

  18. Jennifer Jones says:

    Hi! This is Jennifer Jones with the Jeff Gordon Children’s Foundation, we met at the Kickball game in Warnambool in January of 2014. I am so sorry about Pippa, I just recently found out that she lost her battle with cancer. I feel honored to have met her, you and your family. We at the Jeff Gordon Children’s Foundation are doing all that we can to one day put an end to childhood cancer. Your journal entry about the research being done at Royal Children’s Hospital was so powerful. No mother should have to explain what you did to Pippa, but the donation you made will eventually save thousands of young lives. There is a photo of Pippa and me in my office that I keep proudly on my desk and it will always remain there as a reminder of the kids we are serving. Please keep in touch with us. my email address is jjones@jgiracing.com

  19. Virginia. It is not fair. No parent should have to go through what you have been through. There is no precedence for how you should feel or act. I’m sure it’s different for everyone who’s ever had to endure this stupid insanely unfair situation. Be kind to yourself..it’s OK to do whatever and feel however you are right now. I believe time will be kind to you and these painful gut wretching emotions will ease. You are an amazing woman to whom I have great admiration. xx

  20. Emma Mclaren says:

    I do feel it is not fair for just a little girl because she didn’t get to live the rest of her life and I am so sorry that you had to go through that.
    Thinking of you all.
    Love Emma xoxoxoxoxo

  21. Emma Mclaren💙 says:

    She will be in everyone’s hearts forever
    love Emma💙 xxxxxxx

  22. Ellen Webb says:

    Dear Virginia

    You write so beautifully of your awful experience. I am very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

    My first born son was diagnosed with neuroblastoma in June 1996, and he succumbed to this in February 1997 when he was just 3.

    Finding people who have had similar exoeriences and being involved in fundraising for childhood cancer research have been 2 things that have helped me through the most difficult times.

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

  23. Christine Harris says:

    We recently holiday in Vietnam and Daniel took Pippa’s book mark and got great comfort every time we saw a frangipani, and they were everywhere. There are no words to easy your pain and lose but know Pippa will never ever been forgotten by those she touched. Xoxo

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